healing, spirituality

Pain As a Gift

This past weekend I went to my first ever Kundalini practice followed by a Shamanic meditation.  It was led by the most beautiful souls; Brit & Tara from Elevate the Globe whose podcast I listen to regularly.  The meditation was led by Shaman Durek who I knew I had to meet the moment I heard his voice over a different podcast six months ago.  I had no idea what to expect but this experience was unlike anything I could have prepared for or imagined.

In the meditation Shaman Durek led the class through a number of releasing processes, from birth to trauma, intimacy and pain.  A number of things happened to me throughout the meditation, physically and spiritually – I felt things in my body, I saw things in my mind, I was made acutely aware of the deep level of pain stored in my psyche, in my body.   I laid on my mat crying, hearing the sounds of other souls wrestling, releasing, healing.

The Shaman spoke about pain as a gift.  He shared about being homeless. Addicted to drugs.  Begging on the streets of New York.  Dying.  Coming back.  Being paralyzed. Overcoming paralysis.  He shared how he was grateful for all these opportunities for growth.  I thought about my own life, those big moments, defining ones of deepest pain, shame, loss and heartbreak.  I looked at each one.  I inspected them.  I turned them over and inside out and I asked how they served me.  It was never apparent at the time.  I cursed them.  I fought them.  I asked God why, I was angry.  But the more space that occurs in my life, the more healing that I pursue, it becomes more evident all the gifts this pain gave me.  Beautiful lessons.  On how to have boundaries.  On how to love myself more than I give myself away to others.  On how to release that which does not serve.  On how to forgive and find freedom.  On how to witness healing in others, how to hold space for them.  On how to break dysfunctional patterns and behaviors.  On how to grapple with the decisions others make as a reflection of them, not of me.  So many beautiful gifts this pain has given me.

So in the meditation I sat with them.  It was not easy but I thanked them.  I made peace with parts of myself and parts of my pain that I never saw before.  I recognized this moment as the beginning of a new relationship with my pain.  Pain as a gift.

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