healing

Letting Go

How do you let go of someone you love? How do you say goodbye to someone who feels like home? Whose very heart feels like a piece of yours, whose presence feels comforting, whose eyes hold nothing but promise? How do you say goodbye when nothing is “wrong” but something is telling you it is no longer right?

As I reflect on what would have been 5 years with a man I deeply care for, a soul who is brilliant and lovely and uniquely kind – the synchronicity is not lost on me. Not too long ago I reflected on 5 years since leaving my ex-husband. What’s more, the number 5 is symbolic of love, of relationships, of marriage. I feel this passage in my body, in the back of my mind, the reminder tugged quietly on my heart.

I fell in love fast and it was the medicine I needed. For all the darkness I had been through this was light. Meeting him was ecstasy. It was like our souls agreed before our first breath to honor each other in this way, to give each other this gift, this time together. We had made a contract to heal through love, to believe once again that it was possible, to be safe. We grew together, we created together, we nurtured each others gifts, hopes and dreams. We witnessed each others pains and struggles and held space for growth. We built a life together and shared a million magical moments.

But then one day I felt a shift. Something small had changed and this something small started a crack in the foundations and the crack began to grow. Maybe it was learning to listen to my souls voice as she quietly whispered into the corners of my heart ”you must belong to yourself first”. Maybe it was when I shared something so vulnerable and raw and I thought you held me that when you didn’t, when you shied away from my brokenness, it broke me in half. Maybe it was when I stood back and observed what we had become, I saw that we were both lonely in love, in this in-between space of not honoring each other completely and not honoring ourselves. Maybe it was me changing, growing in a direction much different than what you had known. Maybe it was when we stopped talking, really talking, like when we used to. Maybe it was when we became so comfortable, as our paths started to drift we couldn’t seem to steer our way back to one another. Maybe it was a million and one little things that finally broke the foundation and I knew in my heart this in between could not last.

Letting go of you was terrifying. It took so many moons of wrestling, back and forth in my mind. Relentless. Sickening. It broke me to break you. Yet somehow I knew it was the only way. I had to let you go. For me. For you. For us. I had to honor my soul and it’s calling. I had to say goodbye.

I release you because I love you and carrying you with me doesn’t serve your highest good. I let you go because I need to find my own way as I know you must find yours. I release you from my hands, from my lips, from my body, from my mind. I release you from my spirit, from my space, from my heart. I release you for your future loves, for your future joys, for your future learnings and for the space to grow.

So how do you let go of someone you love? For me it looks like surrender. For me it looks like salty tears on the pages of my journal as I reflect. For me it looks like sending healing, love and light to his soul but never picking up the phone. For me it looks like the support of beautiful people, words of affirmation, time spent alone and beautiful sunsets. For me it looks like honoring the easy, good days just as much as the sadness that comes out of nowhere. For me it looks like unfollowing all of our old friends, moving to a new city, trying new things and learning to sleep alone. For me it looks like opening my heart as I create space to welcome in the new. For me it looks like things take time and learning to be patient and present is the best gift I can give myself. For me this is letting go and for me, our love will always have been the sweetest gift. The perfect medicine at the perfect time. From me to you, from my soul to yours – always. Aho.

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